Why Most Gay Men Become Bottoms
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Discover the sexual dynamic that leads most gay men to become bottoms. This process is often entwined with deeply rooted psychological factors. Understanding these dynamics is more than a dive into sexual preferences; it represents a path toward personal transformation.
The realm of human psychology is rife with complexities, especially when it relates to trauma, shame, and anger. These emotions can have profound effects on one’s mental health and relationships. For single gay men, a unique set of social stressors, including homophobia, can contribute to these experiences. Psychologist and trauma expert Bessel van der Kolk noted, “Trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body.” Homophobia, as a form of social trauma, creates an atmosphere of fear, discomfort, and shame, which can lead to a minimizing of oneself, both consciously and unconsciously.
This self-minimization often manifests in the gay community as a reduction of interactions to purely sexual ones, a symptom of deep-rooted shame and a desire to hide one’s authentic self. Brené Brown, a renowned researcher on shame and vulnerability, explains, “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” When individuals feel they cannot express their emotional, intellectual, and spiritual needs openly, these needs remain unmet, leading to frustration and anger. Anger, as a secondary emotion, is often a response to unaddressed primary feelings like fear or sadness.
Unfortunately, such anger, rather than inciting positive change or action, often deepens feelings of isolation and creates further trauma, as it does not facilitate meaningful connection or understanding. As psychologist Harriet Lerner posits, “Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.” Anger is often an indication of deeper, unaddressed feelings of hurt, loneliness, or shame, highlighting the need for introspection, therapy, and community support. The vicious cycle of trauma, shame, and anger can only be broken by addressing these underlying issues and cultivating a sense of acceptance, love, and belonging, both within oneself and within society. It is through this work that healing can truly begin.
Dr. Leon F. Seltzer, a noted psychologist, explains, “Anger can function as a powerful, albeit surrogate, solution to the person’s felt powerlessness.” This can link back to the feelings of shame and humiliation stemming from homophobia and self-minimization. Individuals might seek control, empowerment, or release through BDSM practices, but when this comes from a place of unprocessed anger or trauma, it can lead to harmful dynamics and potentially abusive situations, rather than consensual exploration.
Furthermore, these acts can become a way to externalize internal feelings of shame, to manifest them physically, or to punish oneself for perceived unworthiness. As Brené Brown states, “When we experience shame, we are steeped in the fear of being unlovable.” In such cases, the individual might seek out volatile sexual encounters as a misguided attempt to confirm their self-perception, which only serves to deepen feelings of shame and loneliness.
The link between anger, trauma, and sexual behavior underscores the importance of addressing underlying emotional pain. It’s essential to cultivate a sense of self-worth and self-acceptance, to break the cycle of trauma, and to build healthier relationships, both with oneself and with others. As psychologist Carl Rogers once wrote, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Acceptance can be the first step towards healing, and professional help, such as therapy, can be a valuable resource in this journey.
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► About Paul Angelo MHA, MBA
After years of coaching gay men, Paul Angelo created Big Gay Family, a powerful solution to loneliness and relationship challenges. “It is not your fault that you are single. It is the fault of the dating platforms that enable abuse and turn gay men against each other.” –Paul Angelo
Paul’s expertise on the psychology of romantic relationships and gay sexuality has made him an established leader in this field. He has over 80 video testimonials and over 500 publicly available videos covering various topics related to gay psychology. Paul has created multiple video-based coaching programs about gay compatibility, gay psychology, and gay sexuality with the goal of helping gay men navigate the complexities of dating and relationships.
One of Paul’s significant contributions to the world of gay psychology is developing a new dating philosophy called CFC, aimed at simplifying dating and promoting monogamy. Paul created a new framework for gay sexuality, which emphasizes emotional connections for meaningful and long-lasting relationships.
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