How many of you have learned how to build loving relationships? Where did you learn? At home? At school?
1. Create a safe environment where you can trust and share openly without being afraid.
This means: don’t interrupt, even if you need to put your hand over your mouth to stop yourself. Learn to fight fairly. No name-calling. Don’t make threats. Apologize when you know you should. If you’re too angry to really listen, stop! Go into another room, take space for yourself, breathe, and “calm down.” Remember: your partner is not the enemy.
2. Separate the facts from the feelings.
What beliefs and feelings get triggered in you during conflicts. Ask yourself: Is there something from my past that is influencing how I’m seeing the situation now? The critical question you want to ask: Is this about him or her, or is it really about me? What’s the real truth? Once you’re able to differentiate facts from feelings, you’ll see your partner more clearly and be able to resolve conflicts from clarity.
3. Connect with the different parts of yourself.
Each of us is not a solo instrument. We’re more like a choir or an orchestra with several voices. What is your mind saying? What is your heart is saying? What is your body saying? What is your ‘gut’ saying? For example: “My mind is saying ‘definitely leave him,” but my heart says ‘I really love him.’ Let these different voices or parts of you co-exist and speak to one another. In this way, you will find an answer that comes from your whole self.
4. Develop compassion.
Practice observing yourself and your partner without judging. Part of you might judge, but you don’t have to identify with it. Judging closes a door. The opposite of judging is compassion. When you are compassionate, you are open, connected, and more available to dialoging respectfully with your partner. As you increasingly learn to see your partner compassionately, you will have more power to choose your response rather than just reacting.
5. Create a “we” that can house two “I’s.”
The foundation for a thriving, growing, mutually-supportive relationship is to be separate and connected. In co-dependent relationships, each person sacrifices part of him or herself, compromising the relationship as a whole. When you are separate and connected, each individual “I” contributes to the creation of a “we” that is stronger than the sum of its parts.
6. Partner, heal thyself.
Don’t expect your partner to fill your emotional holes, and don’t try to fill theirs. Ultimately, each of us can only heal ourselves. Your partner, however, can be supportive as you work with yourself, and vice versa. In fact, living in a loving relationship is healing in and of itself.
7. Relish the differences between you.
The differences between you and your partner are not negatives. You don’t need to be with someone who shares all of your interests and views. We may sometimes fear that these differences are incompatibilities, but in fact, they’re often what keep a relationship exciting and full of “good fire.”
8. Ask questions.
All too often, we make up our own stories or interpretations about what our partners’ behavior means. For example: “He doesn’t want to cuddle; he must not really love me anymore.” We can never err on the side of asking too many questions, and then listen to the answers from your whole self–heart, gut, mind and body. Equally important is to hear what’s not being said– the facts and feeling that you sense might be unspoken.
9. Make time for your relationship.
No matter who you are or what your work is, you need to nurture your relationship. Make sure you schedule time for the well-being of your relationship. That includes making “playdates” and also taking downtime together. Frequently create a sacred space together by shutting off all things technological and digital. Like a garden, the more you tend to your relationship, the more it will grow.
10. Say the “hard things” from love.
Become aware of the hard things that you’re not talking about. How does that feel? No matter what you’re feeling in a situation, channel the energy of your emotions so that you say what you need to say in a constructive manner.