Importance Of Struggle And Suffering In Gay Life

Quick Preview:

  • Tips for dealing with struggle for gay men over 40.
  • The power of acceptance of suffering even though you don’t like it.
  • The hidden meaning of suffering in gay life.
  • What is struggle and why it is good for gay men.
  • What you should do if you suffer longer than 3-6 months.

What if you are suffering for longer than 6 months:

If you have been suffering for more than 6 months, please get some help. While suffering can be a spiritual experience, if you suffer too long, it can lead to chronic psychological problems and energetic imbalance.  Getting a coach or a counselor is very helpful so that suffering can be diminished and the lessons can be learned much quicker.  Everyone should have a coach these days so that our lives move forward without the heavy drama and suffering.

If you have resources to hire a coach, please schedule a free consultation with Paul so that he can help you identify the root of your suffering and struggles and assist you in coming out of it.  To do that, please click on the link below and follow the steps in scheduling the free consultation.

Paul’s Comments

I would like to share with you some tips about how to approach suffering and struggling – especially if you are a gay man over 40 who is new to emotional anxieties and suffering.  If something bad is happening in your life that is causing you to suffer, there is a way to “look” it that will make you feel better. In other words, there is a softer approach to suffering that can make a huge difference for you.



If you are a gay man who is suffering right now, acknowledging and accepting yourself with your suffering is very helpful. Try to recognize that there is no shame in accepting your suffering.  In fact, when you accept yourself with the suffering you will quickly feel better about yourself because you will stop fighting the current reality that causes the suffering.

If you lost a friend or a boyfriend, accept it without trying to change it.  If you lost your job and are struggling financially, accept yourself and the financial difficulties you are facing.  If your health has gone bad, accept yourself and your body without looking for quick fixes and shortcuts.

Gay men suffer a lot more than heterosexual men because of lack of support system and it is important to accept the struggle so that suffering does not become a chronic experience.  Suffering is good for us because it teaches us important lessons in life. If a gay man is not willing to learn those lessons – life usually introduces suffering to get him to wake up from denial and change.



Acceptance of your suffering allows you to concentrate on the actual suffering instead of focusing on trying to stop the suffering.  There is a big difference.  Most gay men, when they are suffering, they try to stop it, delay it, cover it up with sex, alcohol and drugs.  Sometimes they cover up their suffering with more work – they “stay busy”. Some gay men travel consistently to avoid dealing with the suffering of being single and lonely.

Instead, what I would like for you to try is this: imagine suffering is a spiritual experience – with a feeling, a sensation, an inner chemistry.  When you allow yourself to feel that experience – you are allowing your body/mind/spirit to engulf itself around the feeling of pain and hurt and become familiar with it.  After that will come the cellular and psychological changes often resulting in new /fresh beliefs and psychological adaptation.  When suffering is a “stranger”, it hurts.  When suffering is a “friend”, it is not as bad.

If on the other hand, you are trying to avoid the suffering – your body/mind/spirit is unable to “touch” the experience of suffering and is unable to adapt emotionally/psychologically/biologically.

Haven’t you heard about how suffering makes people stronger?  When you accept the suffering and not try to run away from it – you are developing new beliefs on the psychological level and new physiological strategies on the cellular level.  This way, with each “round” of suffering you are actually growing stronger and changing with it. It can be a beautiful process.

Some gay men suffer because they are rigid in their opinions and beliefs. I know many gay men who suffer from loneliness yet are not willing to change their criteria for their lovers. They are in their mid 40’s and they are still looking for a boyfriend in his late 20’s with an amazing athletic body and a charismatic personality.

Suffering is optional when you are willing to recognize that you current mental strategies may not be working and you volunteer to change them.  I, for example, after my struggles in my 20’s with relationships I decided to change the boyfriend criteria.  I looked at my attraction, my sexuality and my personality criteria and I volunteered to change them all.  I used to be sexually attracted to bears and much older men – which would get me into conflicts and breakups because most of the big guys care very little about healthy lifestyle, daily exercise and organic food.  To avoid that suffering – I pointed my sexuality and attraction towards more healthier alternatives – men who are still thick and beefy but not all that bearish.  I also changed from looking at much older men to choosing men closer to my own age.  This way I will avoid lots of suffering down the road during conflicts and differences of lifestyles.

Today, I have a lot less suffering because of the constant adaptation towards what can work for me, instead of being rigid and uncompromising.

What about the struggle?

Struggle is a choice. I struggle all the time in my life – in my business, relationships and my health.  Every day I try to make better choices, learn something about life and get stronger physically and psychologically.  I choose to struggle because I want more from life and from myself.  I would rather take a cold shower every day and 10 years from now find myself living my ideal life than avoid taking the cold shower, live in comfort yet never experience the fulfillment from self-actualizing and achievement.

Accepting struggle will help you avoid suffering:

Struggle is part of growth, part of emotional emancipation from childhood. When we are adults, we are supposed to learn how to solve our own problems, to become independent and not wait for others to help us.  Becoming an adult requires the acceptance of the competitive nature of the world around us and the uncompromising nature of mother nature.  Obstacles and challenges will be there for you every step of the way and accepting them and the struggles to overcome them is required for a successful and happy life.

Struggle is also helpful because it is the essence of character development. When we struggle, we know we are growing beyond our previous limitations and we are growing past our comfort zones.

Those gay men who choose to live in their comfort zone will find themselves paying a high price as they get older.  Toxic friendships and relationships are reminder of being stuck and unwilling to grow and struggle to meet better friends and lovers.

Staying inside your comfort zone and avoiding the struggle is a sure way to lifelong suffering because to have more, we must become more and to become more we must adapt and change daily.

Comment Below And Win Free Coaching & Video Training


Summer 2017 Featured Content

Watch a powerful free workshop on gay spirituality with practice of acceptance and transformation.

Discover how to meet genuine gay men for relationships without waste of time, effort and energy.

Master the five stages of gay life and achieve full potential without being stuck in the stage of sex and status.


"Big Gay Family is a perfect substitute to gay bars, online dating and short term relationships.  I have been looking for this type of service for years. Today, I am not on any websites, I don't meet men at bars and I no longer have to worry about friends and lovers. Big Gay Family gives me introductions every month and I can finally relax and focus on my career and business."

Steve from New York

"I joined Big Gay Family because I was tired of the games and rejections and disrespect from online dating and meeting shallow people.  Big Gay Family protects me from men who are not ready for a relationship and who are not mature enough for commitment.  I am very pleased with the services offered by Big Gay Family Social Program."

Jim from Miami

Join The Family

Change your life by changing how you meet men.