Relationship failures can hurt but they shouldn’t stop your chances of finding love and future happiness. Keep your bitterness in check with these top tips. If you are forever single or have been burnt by a previous relationship it’s easy to sink into a negativity hole. But to find love, you need to be open and positive.  Research has shown that there is great value to being optimistic,’ says Paul Angelo, relationship coach for gay men over 40 and author of the Relationship Matrix.

‘Optimistic people are known for their ability to see the good in everything, viewing the world as place full of adventure and opportunity. As a result, they attract more people and enjoy a higher quality of life.  Pessimistic people, on the other hand, meet life with a sense of futility, viewing the world with a level of cynicism and negativity. Optimists enjoy successful outcomes in life (marriage, career), and ever more likely to be physically healthy’, says Paul Angelo.

Just as optimism is empowering, resentment can be devastating. You can’t expect to find love if you’re not open to the possibilities. The following are five signs that your bitterness is damaging your chances for romance and the best ways to banish negativity from your thoughts.

1. You write people off too quickly

Do you fixate on the flaws of all your previous dates or partners and assume that future ones will all be the same? Do you make snap judgments about people before you’ve even met them? Consign relationship failures to the past and stifle your inner critic. To find love you need to be open-minded and look for the positive in people. You need to believe that there are good people out there and that you deserve to meet them.

2. You prevent people from getting close to you

Do you put up a barrier that nobody can get past? Do you rebuff people if they start asking you questions about your past? While it’s not advisable to spill your life story on your first date and you shouldn’t have to talk about things that make you uncomfortable, you need to be able to share a little in order for people to get to know you. If you are too closed, it’ll be hard for a date to establish a connection with you. Try to relax and sharing will come more naturally.

3. You lack self-esteem

If people show interest in you, do you find yourself questioning what’s wrong with them or claiming they’re not good enough for you? For a successful relationship you need to have a balanced attitude towards yourself, let alone anyone else.

If you’re suffering from low self-esteem, concentrate on what you think are your strengths and let them boost your confidence. Thinking people are not worthy of you, however, is equally damaging so don’t let yourself get above your station! The next time someone shows interest in you, try and get to know them a little, and vice versa, so you can establish whether there’s a spark. But if the person isn’t interested in another date, don’t shroud yourself in bitterness again. Realize that finding love can take time and be optimistic about who could be next.

4. You’re cynical of other people’s relationships

Do you find yourself looking for flaws in other people’s relationships? Are you secretly cheered by their romantic failures? This smacks of bitterness. By believing that all relationships are doomed, you’ll close yourself off to any possibilities for finding love.  Bitterness is a very passive emotion and negative people are difficult to find attractive. Until you purge yourself of your cynicism you won’t be able to move forward. Focus on the positive sides of a relationship to overcome your fears.

5. You’d rather be proved right than be happy

Are you so stubborn in your bitterness that you’d rather be proven right (i.e. that all relationships are guaranteed to fail) than find love? Your resentment has become extreme. You’ll need to work hard to embrace the fact that a relationship can be good and that you deserve to be happy. Then put yourself out there, accepting that it might take a while and many dates to meet the right person.

Bitterness isn’t incurable. But getting over a bad bout of it requires a little effort, an attitude shift and opening yourself up to the fact that not all relationships are doomed. Achieve this and you’ll reap the rewards.

    5 replies to "How your bitterness is killing your possibility for a successful gay relationship."

    • James

      Great article. I am guilty of writing people off too much too soon. This article opened my eyes to the mistakes I am making.


    • Mark

      Bitterness is something that hurts you more than anyone else. If you have a problem that is eating away at your insides you can never be your best so it’s destructive. The thing to do is to understand the gay community here. You are here to look for a relationship and most of the guys you meet are here for an hour of pleasure, if that long.

      The concept of them not being what you are looking for should pervade your thoughts, and thank your lucky stars that you find it out early.

      You probably aren’t the problem, they are. Take a few deep breaths, put a smile on your face, and try to meet a lot of guys, because even as non sexual friends, the more you know, the more you can network, and you eventually will meet a more suitable guy. They are around, and instead of being bitter about it, accept it as a fact of life, and thank your lucky stars. You’ll have love eventually and they never will.

    • Ken

      People have their sensors out all the time. Bitterness shows in your demeanor and it frightens most people. Talk to yourself. Tell yourself that you are looking for something special, most of the gay world isn’t.

      Keep a smile on your face when you meet people, and understand that you are unique You’re looking for something special, and that is worth kissing a lot of frogs till you meet him.

      That fact that you know how to love, and they probably don’t puts you head and shoulders above them. So why be bitter? Be proud of yourself. Hang in there and I promise that when you find him you will not regret what they put you through.

    • Brett

      Great article, Yes, I write off people too quickly. I”m shy, and presume everyone is more extroverted then I am, and that’s wrong. Being shy, and not knowing sometimes how to act with a new person, I automatically write him off to take no responsibility for the failure of the meeting. We are, in the end, our own bosses, and instead of me taking the responsibility this article showed that I was shifting the failure to someone else. Thank you for opening my eyes.

    • Jim

      This is wonderful. The answer is honestly, yes, I lack self esteem. What that does is force me to subconsciously mess. Apparently my eyes have been open to the fact that I take the pressure off myself so that I don’t have to admit to myself that I am mostly responsible for the failures of my relationship attempts. Thank you for making me think this through. I think we’ve made enormous inroads today, and I thank you for that.

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