Why Emotions Matter More Than Sex: Dating Emotionally Available Gay Men

Why are emotional connections more important than sexual for dating, relationships and marriage?

Sexual connections can be easily replicated. You are only an object of sexual desire.  Your partner can go on Grindr or Craigslist and find himself another sexual object.  This is why avoiding being sexually objectified is really important.  If you really like someone, avoid sex for as long as possible to find out whether he is looking for an emotional connection or physical.

On the other hand – emotional connections last a very long time because the connection involves sharing and disclosing.  To create the emotional connection you will need to actually talk to each other and share.  When you are dating a man who is willing to share and open up, the emotional connection can be created quickly.  When you are seeing that your date is having difficulty sharing and wants to go to bed, it is important you re-evaluate if he is really here for dating or for sex.

Emotional connections serve the basis for trust, safety and longevity of any relationship.  Without the emotional connection, a serious relationship is impossible.  Comittment, monogamy, trust, loyalty all come from emotional foundation, not from sexual!

When you think of all the people who are still in your life, you will notice that you had a strong emotional connection with them.  And when you look at all the hookups from the past, with whom you had amazing sex – you will see that they are all gone from your life and you have no desire to contact them again.

What will happen when you date or love emotionally unavailable gay men?

When you date emotionally unavailable men, you will experience many moments of deep confusion that eventually leads to feeling upset, sad, disappointed and anxious.  And you will not know why and often you will start sabotaging the relationship because you will feel something is wrong but not be able to identify it.

When you are developing feelings towards someone and he is not responding to your feelings, you will quickly notice there is something wrong.

Because most gay men don’t have psychological training – they will assume that they made a mistake or that they said something wrong or that they came across emotionally needy.  This can become painful because they will start to think that there is something wrong with them and they will begin compensating with sex, trips, parties, drugs and other substitutes for their painful invalidation.  In the long term, the relationship breaks down because HE IS NOT emotionally available and you are waiting for something he is unable to give to you at this time.

Bonding and relating depends on emotional exchange and it is HIS job to also open up emotionally and be available to share how he feels, what he wants and what he is looking for. It is his job to tell you how he feels about your behavior, your ideas, your way of being.  If he is not sharing his feelings or providing feedback and validation for yours, then clearly he is not emotionally available and you need to make a decision to move on.

Are closeted gay men emotionally available?

Many closeted men had to shut down their emotions for years or decades in order to stay in the closet.  Imagine a man who “loves” to be around other men but he has to “shut off” that feeling so that he can live with a woman.  To him, he has to turn off part of him that produces feelings of desire to pursue men.  On top of that he has to turn off the feeling of guilt, shame and regret that come with the lies that he is telling everyone.  He has to barricade himself with a wall through which no emotion can pass.  Many closeted gay men have to go through a spiritual awakening alongside emotional activation to rebuild their emotional stability, expression and validation.


Emotional availability is the most important requirement for a healthy relationship.  Without emotional availability, you cannot create trust, safety and acceptance, which are part of the bonding and connecting process.  You must demand and require emotional expression from every man you date and put on standby those relationships which show emotional limitation and emotional unavailability.  Everything you will experience inside emotionally empty relationship is torture and slow death and you know it!

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